the scariest thing is: I can't stop imagining myself passing through that door. while everyone keeps telling me how I would be fine, I keep listening to only one voice that's telling me I wouldn't survive. the scariest thing is: I can't stop imagining myself passing through that door. that tiny door.

the numbers are getting huge. so huge that it's haunting me to sleep. or even after.

I keep counting numbers, not willing to lose my tracks of time. and I keep realizing things that's telling me I should stop counting. I found voices, lines, small things, big matters, words, statements, seconds, minutes, hours..

I'm afraid of being, but deep down inside I am willing to.

I keep comparing, I keep getting punches. now I'm lost, and word-less.

thinking too much had never done me any good. feeling too much had never brought me somewhere better. I hated, I loved, I got mad, I smiled..

I'm afraid of being. too afraid of being. but deep down inside I am not at all afraid of willing to.

now where is that voice when I need something to keep my mind at ease? oh, that door. ooh..

I am so sick but at the same time I have never been healthier. life?

..asked for a drink or two

had dinner with kak pepi, keke, and DA :) this is the picture of me not being able to properly swallow my kani mayo inari, captured by kak pepi :*

but I'm in so deep

I keep trying to recall my memory of the last time being here, feeling this. so far, I haven't found any images that I am fond of. I never liked being here, feeling this.

I received an IM, something that tried to explain the reasons behind women's tears. and as much as I realized how it was true, I hated it.

a place to live

juggertown, that's what it's called. it's a small town with beautiful scenery. colorful flowers spreading all around forming cashmere rug view, humid air, trustful neighborhood, cute little kids on their bikes. a town of future hope, a town of happy living.

now edie somehow found out about juggertown by accident. he was being hooked by a real estate agent to live in the middle of the city's nonstop rush living when he decided to take a random trip south. he'd been pulled aside by an officer for reason unknown, and just when the inspection clarified as the officer's mistake and he started the engine to do a u-turn back to the city, he took a look to his left, and there it was: juggertown.

he drove all the way around juggertown and exchanged some friendly smiles with the people. he thought: 'this is a place where I can achieve my goals.'

now yes, there is an unpopular belief that had been in his mind since he didn't know exactly when. contradictory to his beer-buddies' choice of life, edie had always thought how wonderful it would be to live among friendly people, not paying any attention to the stockmarket updates, be the person his neighborhood can always count on for doing small-yet-not-everyone-can-do things, and live to do a thing he had always been passionate about: painting.

rather impulsively, edie agreed to sign the paper which declared that he was the new owner of a small three-bedrooms house around the corner of a small street in juggertown. three days after, he was all packed, he quit being a lawyer, bought medium-sized canvases, and became one of the juggertown's happy people.

while falling in love to juggertown takes a split second, surviving it is a whole different story.

well, there's always a possibility that edie is rather slow in adapting to a new place. but there is also a possibility that juggertown gives no mercy for a newbie. in this case, it's more likely the second possibility that happened.

juggertown is friendly: to its people.
juggertown is pretty: that's why it's hard to fit in.
juggertown provides comfort and peaceful living: if you could manage to survive the first two points.
and juggertown can, and definitely will, kick someone out if it feels like he/she is inappropriate, or in another phrase: 'not juggertown enough'.

that made all the reason for edie to hide his true self. ironically, the only place where he thought could deliver himself the life he had always wanted was 'not edie enough'. it didn't pay much respect to single guys with no wife and kids nor to his interest in painting. they worshiped family people. and he had to pretend he was one, you know, for the sake of getting along.

but then what is a place to live if it can't give you the life you have always wanted? at one point you will feel safe from people around you, but how long will it last? and somewhere along the road, won't you feel tired of pretending to be anyone that you're not? what is 'safe'? what is 'happy'? should we always choose either one or the other?

from sappy old movies

I started today kinda early for my recent body clock (which usually started at some time after lunch) to fulfill an appointment at the immigration office: take a photograph for my new passport. the office is no longer located at its old place, it's moved to a location 'more south'. so, it came as an opportunity for me because after the appointment took place, I could still buy myself some more time to begin a project I have been looking forward to. but more on this later.

then I went home, wait some more hours to break my fasting, and then went online to do a little research. fyi, I really did a research. only it was, as I mentioned before, a little.

afterwards, didn't know where the devil came out from, I decided to finish half a whole jar of my greentea fro yo which was ordered to be home-delivered yesterday. and as a contrary to my research, this time, I'm talking about one big sized jar. didn't know the exact measurement but I'm still kinda sure it was at least a 1lt jar. well, I'm always bad at speaking approximation, though.

shortly speaking, with helps from strawberries, mixed mochis, longans, almonds, kiwis, and nata de cocos, I finished the fro yo while watching 'sex & the city the movie 2'. and here's a little fact: I actually cried watching that movie.

can't really remember the last time I watched a movie and cried because of it, not because of the condition I was in (in this later case, I'm sure my last one was 'how to train your dragon').

I KNOW.

well, to neutralize the odds, I cried watching 'armageddon', too. all the seven times.

speaking of which

I take it I must've spoiled a little (if not much) about my recent drink-at-least-8-glasses-of-water-a-day therapy. well, I'm pretty sure I have, somewhere between my bragging lines.

well yeah, it's something I wasn't aware of abandoning. come to think of it, I actually survived most of my days drinking less than 4 glasses of water back then. I sweated a little, my kidney once had a problem, and my skin was as dry as a deserted savanna.

the habit went worse when I was in college. most probably because bandung itself has this damp cold weather it's almost impossible for you to feel dehydrated.

apparently, in this capital city, it doesn't work that way. it took me one or two weeks to realize how that habit took away almost my every reason to feel well enough to live. somebody told me in a strongly-accusing way of speaking, so I decided to start doing that thing I had always been reading in every 'basic living well' tips and tricks.

well, basically it wasn't just about the water. it's about helping my body to adapt to a whole 'new' city climate where it is overheated and once it doesn't feel like it is too hot, it must've been the air-con, which is by the way, also has a dehydrating impact to the skin.

so, the whole 'therapy' takes form in: drinking AT THE VERY LEAST 8 tall-glasses of water, decreasing the amount of diuretic ingredients consumed (this is mostly caffeine, for me), body lotion and face moisturizer: twice as much as I previously used to rub on my skin, vitamin (E, for me), and drink milk.

felt a little too time-consuming at the beginning because it basically doubles up the daily dose of everything. but yeah, it works. em, still, I kinda think those things are the only thing I do everyday. haha, that's my only obligation nowadays, tho. :p

it takes two to tango

what do I know of taking precautions, playing safe, or.. well, basically not risking to sacrifice myself over things? is it really all about not giving 100% out of me to avoid getting 150% disappointed halfway? should people really give out their best effort in terms of everything?

because I know people, I have met human beings, and not all of them are truly capable of respecting others as human beings. let alone their hardwork.

not all of them are pretty enough to be trusted. not all of them are able to channel their trust issue to right objects, in some right ways.

so what, we should handle them in full-trust, all equally?

God, my thoughts keep jumping over here and there and it is obviously getting uglier and uglier. pardon.

meeeeeeeeeeet!

it was an all-cheerie reunion :D

reflect

being constantly reminded that you are being kept inside your cocoon and unable to spread your wings to get the life you deserve is not lovely.

like, at all.

nothing is even a bit fun about that.
people tell yourself how you are underestimating yourself and, even worse, you admit it to yourself. and yes, you keep blaming.

now imagine yourself sitting on a position that is being blamed for keeping away someone's life from cracking outside their eggs.

you are strong enough to bear this

it is merely a common way of living nowadays: 'life on-the-go'. people are moving way beyond their capabilities in relatively irrationally-short length of time. that's why there are numerous tools to travel, never-ending improvement in communication technology, and so forth.

but really, none of them matters if we could manage to stay near. be it living in a cage, placed in nowhere land or unreachable top of a mountain, no other beings, no other living, no mcdonalds or even their delivery services, doesn't matter.

but who are we to decide?

tell me a story

old notes are..

dated: may 4, 2010
"by exposing how much alike you are with those shrimps that made my face swollen, it makes falling in love with you much harder to survive. tormenting, challenging, much likely turning myself to be intolerant, but yet so adorable it makes me drooling, unstoppably."

dated: may 8, 2010
"do people know what a broken trust is? it's a feeling far worse than having your heart broken, a feeling far worse than knowing you're left alone, a feeling far worse than not knowing anything, a feeling of betrayal, lost of hope..."

dated: may 9, 2010
"can you really--really--hit the 'snooze' button to get some rest? can you really postpone anything from happening just because you are unaware of it coming? just because.. you know, you hope it hasn't been the time yet.

so you need some rest, some time-out, something to keep your mind at ease. so you're tired, so what?"

dated: july 12, 2010
"there are numerous ways to describe a self, my favorite one is by stating anything it's not.

not the kind of person you'll choose to hang out with at times when you are down.
not the kind of person who will tell a lie to make you feel good.
not the kind of person who wants to look cool all the time.
not the kind of person who cheats and keeps it shut.
not the kind of person you'll trust."

fun to remind us of the old thoughts.

sing me a love song, drop me a line

mother's here. I am practically getting back to the way I lived few years ago: me and her. only this time, it wouldn't last that long.
oh, isn't it august already? pheew, how could this year leap through itself so quickly? well, this might be a little too early to decide, but apart from one HUGE achievement I have made this year, I won't be writing any posts to conclude 2010. well, if anyone had ever been jobless enough to follow where I had been, they might have realized how I had always welcomed a new year not by typing a 'resolution post' (because I kept failing myself at keeping promises) but by writing a conclusion post instead. that thing I mention earlier would be the answer to anyone's loss of my '2010-concluded' post---of course, if there's any. :-P
and yes, I should've known how this lifestyle could contradictorily affecting me financially and.. well corpulencily.