dressed down, yeah?

 

 

 

little tittle-tale

i guess it's time.

hi, my name is lily, yes, lily, like the pretty flower lily. like the one that made you laughed your ass off when you watched "how i met your mother" lily. like the one whose "fuck you" you sang along en route lily.

it is unlikely, i know. i am no passive like flower, i can fly, i have wings. i never tried chugging beers in bars while hanging out with my best friends either, i can not chug, i sing. though nobody sings along with me except those who also have wings. i am not a pop singer, not from u.k., i don't know where i came from, i flew here and there.

tree to tree. branch to branch. rooftop to rooftop...

but that was so long ago, at least it feels like it had been ages since the last time i flew that free. maybe i miss it, maybe i don't. i kinda like how i live my life now. rather edgy, differs from ones my old buds have out there. no fighting rain, no bearing overheating sunshine, no tiring flights.

it's cozy here. all i have to do is sitting on this same branch every second, every hour, every day. my food will come unnoticed, just like 'zap!'-food! lovely!

...isn't it?

the only thing i have to fight hard here, is boredom. at first these 'clank-clank' gold bearers looked unbelievably beautiful. i couldn't wait to see it up-close. but now it is kinda worn out. aging? or did i infect it with my singing? was i singing too high-pitched? oh no, did i cause those stains on these goldie 'clank-clank'?

ah, wait. that's not it.

actually, i've been noticing something odd lately. goldie 'clank-clank' never let me out. goldie 'clank-clank' always trapped most parts of my body. sometimes i could kiss the air outside the goldie 'clank-clank', sometimes i could stretch one of my wings outside, but the space it gave had never been enough for my whole body to get out. i could not do any diets, of course, because the food was always the 'zap!'-food.

anyway,

i can notice that some part of goldie 'clank-clank' had been removed. yes, i know. poor goldie 'clank-clank'. now there's a big hole inside it. i know it's big, because now i can let half of my body touches the outside air. i don't know what went wrong. all i know is goldie 'clank-clank' suddenly decided to make it easier for me to go out. i haven't, though. because i'm too afraid that goldie 'clank-clank' would never let me in again next time. i love being with goldie 'clank-clank'. i've been with it since as long as i could remember. and along with the 'zap!'-food, too.

...but the outside. oh, the outside. you should see the face i made everytime i made contacts with the outside. oh, the pretty breeze. oh, those branches i'd been playing on since i was born. oh, the sun.. oh..

OH, STOP!

i think i just made goldie 'clank-clank' dropped a tear.

no, goldie 'clank-clank', don't cry. if you don't want me to get seduced by the outside, why don't you put your removed parts back? why did you let it off the first time?

why, goldie 'clank-clank'?

why?

...

did you...

um, wait.

...

did you wish i was gone?

are you letting me go?

are you...?

there was a phase when i came to think that winning was not everything.

it's not now, not where i am standing today. i might be stepping a little too far to the 'losing' zone, and all i can feel now is nothing but losing.

i'm in the middle of your picture

i am never good at writing while feeling emotional but everytime my heart went above my head, the first thing i wanted to grab was anything i could write with.

and now,

i
don't
know
what
to
write

...
okay.

as of now, sweeney todd is currently running on my tv (didn't realy pay attention what the channel was), i was just awake from my sleep because i forced myself to at around 12am, and most probably because i forced myself to sleep, my stomach is now acting mad, i feel very much like throwing up but so far, i haven't.

i think i'm going back to bed. don't know anything else better than that for now.

what, a party?

 

just some projects i agreed to work on. the deadline was set on tomorrow.

so, how's everyone doing? :-|

i haven't been having proper appetite for anything. all i did since this monday were mostly being unproductive. stayed unbathed, reading comics, sit/sleeping, smoking, getting strong headaches in between, enjoying my stomach growled itself for starvation, ignoring assignments and class attendances. very much unappealing but this is what i am strongly in need of: a rest. even from taking a good care of myself.

my mom will be in bandung this weekend. so it means, however horrible i am now, i should look fine and all-cheerie before this week actually ended. i just.. don't want to make things look worse than how she pictured it all these times. because however hard and complicated it truly is, i still got everything under controlled. but you know moms, they invented the word 'worry'. not that i'm complaining, though.

i know my next sentence might sound like one tough justification, but here: sometimes being isolated gives us a bigger chance of being a social person. no matter how alienated we turned out to be.

hahah, it was random, obviously.