i really wish, at one point, i could say anything i wanted and be heard as how i intended to be. not just saying things i assume you wanted to hear nor to be heard as something you wanted me to sound like.
just so you would start saying things genuinely, not just because you wanted to be seen as something else that was not you.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
she's gone to the other side
it feels truly TRULY relieving for me having passed this last week according to how i have planned it. because a run along...
was obviously more than enough for a week.
i am proud of myself and now i need a peaceful weekend full of DA and my girls and my buddies.
...
before having to start studying for another exam next monday.
- TRF's stage without @pepibayik on saturday
- midtest with 400++ pages to study on monday
- internship report deadline on wednesday, and
- an obligatory meeting for my final assignment today
was obviously more than enough for a week.
i am proud of myself and now i need a peaceful weekend full of DA and my girls and my buddies.
...
before having to start studying for another exam next monday.
Tuesday, March 09, 2010
you know that i'll be there for you in the end
is it true that trust is a fragile thing?
if it is, how fragile is it exactly?
if it depends, what does it exactly depend on?
what about saying that our trust had reached its limit to another person whose trust is in some more fragile level of fragility?
what about deciding to quit trusting someone who's been ignoring his/her trust's fragility in dealing with us all along?
what about that person? what about those people?
what about us?
which one comes first?
if it is, how fragile is it exactly?
if it depends, what does it exactly depend on?
what about saying that our trust had reached its limit to another person whose trust is in some more fragile level of fragility?
what about deciding to quit trusting someone who's been ignoring his/her trust's fragility in dealing with us all along?
what about that person? what about those people?
what about us?
which one comes first?
be strong, be wrong
after one thing leaded to another and the long never-ending chain of disappointment, mistrust, and misleading facts.
the thing is, when you decided something and you put up with it even when you cried yourself dry, you started realizing that that decision might be the best. for you, at least. because talking about 'everyone' is just.. you know, 'i-just-don't-wanna-sound-so-selfish'-y.
the thing is, when you decided something and you put up with it even when you cried yourself dry, you started realizing that that decision might be the best. for you, at least. because talking about 'everyone' is just.. you know, 'i-just-don't-wanna-sound-so-selfish'-y.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
it's too early
i decided to go to bed early, so i went to hit my pillows at 00:00, in a peaceful hope that i would be able to wake up early at 6:00 and have some jogs at the jogging track.
not at all failed, though. but i guess i was praying too hard on waking up early, so that was exactly what i got. i woke up. extremely early. at around 2:30. BY SOME FRIGGIN' TERRIFYING NIGHTMARE.
it involved an overaged female running her fingers on my breasts, anyway. AN ABSOLUTE HORROR.
so, here i am now, typing randomly while the television is still singing something that sounds like.. 'liiii~ve like we're dying'. oh, he was another american idol, i assume.
aanyway,
had a ym conversation with @echaboy when i had successfully calmed myself down from the nightmare. the conversation leaded to a late phonecall with DA (which costed me less than 500 idr, God bless identical cellphone service for couples!). he was waiting for his sleepiness to hit while watching the football match on tv. so, i told him my nightmare, he got like: 'ewh, okay, that was scary, but just ignore it and go back to bed.'
and i still haven't felt sleepy at all.
okay then, let's go back to the beginning of yesterday.
i decided to skip the auditorium session for my TOM class because i was just sure i wouldn't be able to be there on time. oh anyway, this week's the second week i went back to my older choice of transportation: the public transportation. i'm telling you, my campus doesn't serve its students so nicely when it comes to adequate parking lots. and the younger kids are so immature they think those available parking lots were theirs at the first time so they're free to do the monopoly. such selfish spoiled brats.
okay, anyway..
so i went to campus on angkot with my ipod on. went to the tutorial class, got the homework and 3 numbers of class assignments done. apparently those were what it took for me to starve. so, i ran to the usual canteen to grab some meals for lunch where i met dito, galih, and hendi and they brought me to the place where they (note: only them) would get free lunches. well, apart from the fact that at days i rarely had spent any time with them except in classes, they weren't bad for lunch-mates. i mean, they're not bad at all.
so i was with them until around 14:00 when i received a txt message from DA, telling me that he was already there to pick me up. so i ran to the gate and went to accompany him to have his lunch.
okay, i just yawned, i guess i'm going to hit the pillows in some time around now.
and there goes my plan to jog. God, i hate having a cancelled sport session when i was rrrrrreally willing to do it. i hate you, nightmare, i truly do.
it involved an overaged female running her fingers on my breasts, anyway. AN ABSOLUTE HORROR.
so, here i am now, typing randomly while the television is still singing something that sounds like.. 'liiii~ve like we're dying'. oh, he was another american idol, i assume.
aanyway,
had a ym conversation with @echaboy when i had successfully calmed myself down from the nightmare. the conversation leaded to a late phonecall with DA (which costed me less than 500 idr, God bless identical cellphone service for couples!). he was waiting for his sleepiness to hit while watching the football match on tv. so, i told him my nightmare, he got like: 'ewh, okay, that was scary, but just ignore it and go back to bed.'
and i still haven't felt sleepy at all.
okay then, let's go back to the beginning of yesterday.
i decided to skip the auditorium session for my TOM class because i was just sure i wouldn't be able to be there on time. oh anyway, this week's the second week i went back to my older choice of transportation: the public transportation. i'm telling you, my campus doesn't serve its students so nicely when it comes to adequate parking lots. and the younger kids are so immature they think those available parking lots were theirs at the first time so they're free to do the monopoly. such selfish spoiled brats.
okay, anyway..
so i went to campus on angkot with my ipod on. went to the tutorial class, got the homework and 3 numbers of class assignments done. apparently those were what it took for me to starve. so, i ran to the usual canteen to grab some meals for lunch where i met dito, galih, and hendi and they brought me to the place where they (note: only them) would get free lunches. well, apart from the fact that at days i rarely had spent any time with them except in classes, they weren't bad for lunch-mates. i mean, they're not bad at all.
so i was with them until around 14:00 when i received a txt message from DA, telling me that he was already there to pick me up. so i ran to the gate and went to accompany him to have his lunch.
okay, i just yawned, i guess i'm going to hit the pillows in some time around now.
and there goes my plan to jog. God, i hate having a cancelled sport session when i was rrrrrreally willing to do it. i hate you, nightmare, i truly do.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
it takes ... to unleash it
it is never possible for anyone to completely finish reading a book in an instance. there's always the procedure, to uncover it, pull its own cover up, reading letter-by-letter, word-by-word, page-to-page...
when we felt tired of reading or our ways to visualize the words into our imagination failed us, sometimes we chose to take a rest. decided to stay imagining its content down to the latest word we caught. at that point, we might not feel that knowing the entire content or how it would end was necessary.
...
okay, that was mostly me.
i, most of the times, thought that for some readings i've had, had my own favorite endings. sometimes it really meant i ended reading and neglected the rest of the book left unknown, the other times, it was just 'for me, this book ended at (let's say..) the middle of chapter 19.' but i kept reading until the book actually ended, anyway.
yes, i did make my own endings for stories that weren't even mine. i did. because i believed some things were better left unknown.
and now,
i've had my price for me to pay.
when we felt tired of reading or our ways to visualize the words into our imagination failed us, sometimes we chose to take a rest. decided to stay imagining its content down to the latest word we caught. at that point, we might not feel that knowing the entire content or how it would end was necessary.
...
okay, that was mostly me.
i, most of the times, thought that for some readings i've had, had my own favorite endings. sometimes it really meant i ended reading and neglected the rest of the book left unknown, the other times, it was just 'for me, this book ended at (let's say..) the middle of chapter 19.' but i kept reading until the book actually ended, anyway.
yes, i did make my own endings for stories that weren't even mine. i did. because i believed some things were better left unknown.
and now,
i've had my price for me to pay.
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