it takes ... to unleash it

it is never possible for anyone to completely finish reading a book in an instance. there's always the procedure, to uncover it, pull its own cover up, reading letter-by-letter, word-by-word, page-to-page...

when we felt tired of reading or our ways to visualize the words into our imagination failed us, sometimes we chose to take a rest. decided to stay imagining its content down to the latest word we caught. at that point, we might not feel that knowing the entire content or how it would end was necessary.

...
okay, that was mostly me.

i, most of the times, thought that for some readings i've had, had my own favorite endings. sometimes it really meant i ended reading and neglected the rest of the book left unknown, the other times, it was just 'for me, this book ended at (let's say..) the middle of chapter 19.' but i kept reading until the book actually ended, anyway.

yes, i did make my own endings for stories that weren't even mine. i did. because i believed some things were better left unknown.

and now,
i've had my price for me to pay.

"where are you going?"

i can't concentrate or pay more focus to what's ahead of me, either. all i did was staring at what i had seen, finding clues, asking for helps, and it made me feel even more terrible. i dropped a tear everytime i remembered them, everytime i saw them.

fragile, i just want to hold and tell you how much i want to make you feel safe.

i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry. and i wish i could tell them to you. straight, to the point. and if it must end with us crying, so be it.

i'm sorry, i really do.

little tittle-tale

i guess it's time.

hi, my name is lily, yes, lily, like the pretty flower lily. like the one that made you laughed your ass off when you watched "how i met your mother" lily. like the one whose "fuck you" you sang along en route lily.

it is unlikely, i know. i am no passive like flower, i can fly, i have wings. i never tried chugging beers in bars while hanging out with my best friends either, i can not chug, i sing. though nobody sings along with me except those who also have wings. i am not a pop singer, not from u.k., i don't know where i came from, i flew here and there.

tree to tree. branch to branch. rooftop to rooftop...

but that was so long ago, at least it feels like it had been ages since the last time i flew that free. maybe i miss it, maybe i don't. i kinda like how i live my life now. rather edgy, differs from ones my old buds have out there. no fighting rain, no bearing overheating sunshine, no tiring flights.

it's cozy here. all i have to do is sitting on this same branch every second, every hour, every day. my food will come unnoticed, just like 'zap!'-food! lovely!

...isn't it?

the only thing i have to fight hard here, is boredom. at first these 'clank-clank' gold bearers looked unbelievably beautiful. i couldn't wait to see it up-close. but now it is kinda worn out. aging? or did i infect it with my singing? was i singing too high-pitched? oh no, did i cause those stains on these goldie 'clank-clank'?

ah, wait. that's not it.

actually, i've been noticing something odd lately. goldie 'clank-clank' never let me out. goldie 'clank-clank' always trapped most parts of my body. sometimes i could kiss the air outside the goldie 'clank-clank', sometimes i could stretch one of my wings outside, but the space it gave had never been enough for my whole body to get out. i could not do any diets, of course, because the food was always the 'zap!'-food.

anyway,

i can notice that some part of goldie 'clank-clank' had been removed. yes, i know. poor goldie 'clank-clank'. now there's a big hole inside it. i know it's big, because now i can let half of my body touches the outside air. i don't know what went wrong. all i know is goldie 'clank-clank' suddenly decided to make it easier for me to go out. i haven't, though. because i'm too afraid that goldie 'clank-clank' would never let me in again next time. i love being with goldie 'clank-clank'. i've been with it since as long as i could remember. and along with the 'zap!'-food, too.

...but the outside. oh, the outside. you should see the face i made everytime i made contacts with the outside. oh, the pretty breeze. oh, those branches i'd been playing on since i was born. oh, the sun.. oh..

OH, STOP!

i think i just made goldie 'clank-clank' dropped a tear.

no, goldie 'clank-clank', don't cry. if you don't want me to get seduced by the outside, why don't you put your removed parts back? why did you let it off the first time?

why, goldie 'clank-clank'?

why?

...

did you...

um, wait.

...

did you wish i was gone?

are you letting me go?

are you...?

there was a phase when i came to think that winning was not everything.

it's not now, not where i am standing today. i might be stepping a little too far to the 'losing' zone, and all i can feel now is nothing but losing.

what, a party?

 

just some projects i agreed to work on. the deadline was set on tomorrow.

so, how's everyone doing? :-|

i haven't been having proper appetite for anything. all i did since this monday were mostly being unproductive. stayed unbathed, reading comics, sit/sleeping, smoking, getting strong headaches in between, enjoying my stomach growled itself for starvation, ignoring assignments and class attendances. very much unappealing but this is what i am strongly in need of: a rest. even from taking a good care of myself.

my mom will be in bandung this weekend. so it means, however horrible i am now, i should look fine and all-cheerie before this week actually ended. i just.. don't want to make things look worse than how she pictured it all these times. because however hard and complicated it truly is, i still got everything under controlled. but you know moms, they invented the word 'worry'. not that i'm complaining, though.

i know my next sentence might sound like one tough justification, but here: sometimes being isolated gives us a bigger chance of being a social person. no matter how alienated we turned out to be.

hahah, it was random, obviously.

i need a fine wine and you need to be nicer

well, it was. however i denied. it did feel like needles on the tip of my lips, it did sound much like silence. when i tried to reach for your fingers there, moving up and down as you breathed, nothing changed.

you said i wasn't trying as hard as you always did.. you did not exactly point out that i was the one to blame, but you kept making fun of how i, myself, put myself in it. or you. well, that doesn't matter much anymore now, does it?

i might not be on the top of anyone's lists of 'religious people', but i know guilt. and, not that i'm proud of it, i am feeling the shittiest guilt ever.

here. now. then. five minutes ago. an hour ago. when i took showers in the morning. when i sat behind the wheels. when i cursed for the unethical motorcycle drivers. when i did my assignments. when i bursted in laugh with my girlfriends. when i punched my friends for fun. when i ate my lunch. when i hated my figure on the mirror. when i ran in the middle of the rain.

everytime.

i felt it.

on... the lighter side.

the first week of midterm exam had ended. and seeing from the fact that the ugliest one had passed since the first day ended, it didn't exactly feel like midterm exam week for me. just the usual waking-up-early to catch up on today's due assignment, only more often.

not that it had really ended, though. i still clearly got one more paperwork of design concept for this semester's studio due on tuesday, 11 am.

i still have one piece of apple pie i bought at tizi while starving nearly to death in the middle of the road this noon. but it's been three days i haven't been able to eat properly for the sake of my monthly cramp (which turned out to be really really tormenting this time). i might just keep it for my tomorrow's breakfast. or brunch. or lunch. or 4pm meal. or dinner. that would be depended on how ugly the cramp turn out to be tomorrow.

and
i still got three more dvds to accompany me tonight.

delight, delight. :-)

a lemon, indeed

okay, i can't let a scene of 30 rock out of my head. the one where liz lemon mentioned how she was so afraid of living on her own because she could just randomly get choked and die of it because no one would be around to rescue her. dead for choking.

that scene used to be cynically funny for me. not anymore. okay? NOT-ANYMORE.

wrong thing, worst timing

the least i want to know is the fact that history repeats. the least i know is probably the person who lives hiding behind the mask i had always seen.
what kind of a person i am, if i keep feeling okay to: staying outside, not taking any steps to know better, not realizing the fact that i have always been here -- alone, not knowing where exactly you stood, where you were heading to, what you were thinking of?
if there is no way for me to step closer, know better, understand what's within, then what's the point?
i know being emotional is my best potential, i know how my over-sensitivity often brought me to some points i would rather really not discuss anymore. but that, whatever that means to anyone, is an inseparable part of me which built me to be the person that i am.
right, i've got so much to do now.

errrrrrrrrrrr......

okay, i am so fckn jobless, all i did for the last eleven hours was waiting for the confirmation hour to go back to bandung from DA. his situation was pretty fcked up, so i had to act as an understanding girlfriend, while actually i am so nervous of my tomorrow's 8am class because it alwas had quizzes first thing in the morning.

i. am. not. cool.
not about this, no.

i need everything there is to calm me down. like, now. like, a-ny-thing.

this would probably not be my last post of today... awrgh.