how to wrap a girl around your fingers

"sacrifice, do something HUGE even if it's something that is so not you. convince her that nothing in the whole world would mean anything without her beside you. make her feel good and doubtless about how good she is in your eyes. grow the trust inside her that she is important to you.

and don't let her go.

don't even make her feel like letting you go."

shitloads of things to do.

the scariest thing is: I can't stop imagining myself passing through that door. while everyone keeps telling me how I would be fine, I keep listening to only one voice that's telling me I wouldn't survive. the scariest thing is: I can't stop imagining myself passing through that door. that tiny door.

the numbers are getting huge. so huge that it's haunting me to sleep. or even after.

I keep counting numbers, not willing to lose my tracks of time. and I keep realizing things that's telling me I should stop counting. I found voices, lines, small things, big matters, words, statements, seconds, minutes, hours..

I'm afraid of being, but deep down inside I am willing to.

I keep comparing, I keep getting punches. now I'm lost, and word-less.

thinking too much had never done me any good. feeling too much had never brought me somewhere better. I hated, I loved, I got mad, I smiled..

I'm afraid of being. too afraid of being. but deep down inside I am not at all afraid of willing to.

now where is that voice when I need something to keep my mind at ease? oh, that door. ooh..

I am so sick but at the same time I have never been healthier. life?

..asked for a drink or two

had dinner with kak pepi, keke, and DA :) this is the picture of me not being able to properly swallow my kani mayo inari, captured by kak pepi :*

but I'm in so deep

I keep trying to recall my memory of the last time being here, feeling this. so far, I haven't found any images that I am fond of. I never liked being here, feeling this.

I received an IM, something that tried to explain the reasons behind women's tears. and as much as I realized how it was true, I hated it.

a place to live

juggertown, that's what it's called. it's a small town with beautiful scenery. colorful flowers spreading all around forming cashmere rug view, humid air, trustful neighborhood, cute little kids on their bikes. a town of future hope, a town of happy living.

now edie somehow found out about juggertown by accident. he was being hooked by a real estate agent to live in the middle of the city's nonstop rush living when he decided to take a random trip south. he'd been pulled aside by an officer for reason unknown, and just when the inspection clarified as the officer's mistake and he started the engine to do a u-turn back to the city, he took a look to his left, and there it was: juggertown.

he drove all the way around juggertown and exchanged some friendly smiles with the people. he thought: 'this is a place where I can achieve my goals.'

now yes, there is an unpopular belief that had been in his mind since he didn't know exactly when. contradictory to his beer-buddies' choice of life, edie had always thought how wonderful it would be to live among friendly people, not paying any attention to the stockmarket updates, be the person his neighborhood can always count on for doing small-yet-not-everyone-can-do things, and live to do a thing he had always been passionate about: painting.

rather impulsively, edie agreed to sign the paper which declared that he was the new owner of a small three-bedrooms house around the corner of a small street in juggertown. three days after, he was all packed, he quit being a lawyer, bought medium-sized canvases, and became one of the juggertown's happy people.

while falling in love to juggertown takes a split second, surviving it is a whole different story.

well, there's always a possibility that edie is rather slow in adapting to a new place. but there is also a possibility that juggertown gives no mercy for a newbie. in this case, it's more likely the second possibility that happened.

juggertown is friendly: to its people.
juggertown is pretty: that's why it's hard to fit in.
juggertown provides comfort and peaceful living: if you could manage to survive the first two points.
and juggertown can, and definitely will, kick someone out if it feels like he/she is inappropriate, or in another phrase: 'not juggertown enough'.

that made all the reason for edie to hide his true self. ironically, the only place where he thought could deliver himself the life he had always wanted was 'not edie enough'. it didn't pay much respect to single guys with no wife and kids nor to his interest in painting. they worshiped family people. and he had to pretend he was one, you know, for the sake of getting along.

but then what is a place to live if it can't give you the life you have always wanted? at one point you will feel safe from people around you, but how long will it last? and somewhere along the road, won't you feel tired of pretending to be anyone that you're not? what is 'safe'? what is 'happy'? should we always choose either one or the other?

from sappy old movies

I started today kinda early for my recent body clock (which usually started at some time after lunch) to fulfill an appointment at the immigration office: take a photograph for my new passport. the office is no longer located at its old place, it's moved to a location 'more south'. so, it came as an opportunity for me because after the appointment took place, I could still buy myself some more time to begin a project I have been looking forward to. but more on this later.

then I went home, wait some more hours to break my fasting, and then went online to do a little research. fyi, I really did a research. only it was, as I mentioned before, a little.

afterwards, didn't know where the devil came out from, I decided to finish half a whole jar of my greentea fro yo which was ordered to be home-delivered yesterday. and as a contrary to my research, this time, I'm talking about one big sized jar. didn't know the exact measurement but I'm still kinda sure it was at least a 1lt jar. well, I'm always bad at speaking approximation, though.

shortly speaking, with helps from strawberries, mixed mochis, longans, almonds, kiwis, and nata de cocos, I finished the fro yo while watching 'sex & the city the movie 2'. and here's a little fact: I actually cried watching that movie.

can't really remember the last time I watched a movie and cried because of it, not because of the condition I was in (in this later case, I'm sure my last one was 'how to train your dragon').

I KNOW.

well, to neutralize the odds, I cried watching 'armageddon', too. all the seven times.

speaking of which

I take it I must've spoiled a little (if not much) about my recent drink-at-least-8-glasses-of-water-a-day therapy. well, I'm pretty sure I have, somewhere between my bragging lines.

well yeah, it's something I wasn't aware of abandoning. come to think of it, I actually survived most of my days drinking less than 4 glasses of water back then. I sweated a little, my kidney once had a problem, and my skin was as dry as a deserted savanna.

the habit went worse when I was in college. most probably because bandung itself has this damp cold weather it's almost impossible for you to feel dehydrated.

apparently, in this capital city, it doesn't work that way. it took me one or two weeks to realize how that habit took away almost my every reason to feel well enough to live. somebody told me in a strongly-accusing way of speaking, so I decided to start doing that thing I had always been reading in every 'basic living well' tips and tricks.

well, basically it wasn't just about the water. it's about helping my body to adapt to a whole 'new' city climate where it is overheated and once it doesn't feel like it is too hot, it must've been the air-con, which is by the way, also has a dehydrating impact to the skin.

so, the whole 'therapy' takes form in: drinking AT THE VERY LEAST 8 tall-glasses of water, decreasing the amount of diuretic ingredients consumed (this is mostly caffeine, for me), body lotion and face moisturizer: twice as much as I previously used to rub on my skin, vitamin (E, for me), and drink milk.

felt a little too time-consuming at the beginning because it basically doubles up the daily dose of everything. but yeah, it works. em, still, I kinda think those things are the only thing I do everyday. haha, that's my only obligation nowadays, tho. :p

it takes two to tango

what do I know of taking precautions, playing safe, or.. well, basically not risking to sacrifice myself over things? is it really all about not giving 100% out of me to avoid getting 150% disappointed halfway? should people really give out their best effort in terms of everything?

because I know people, I have met human beings, and not all of them are truly capable of respecting others as human beings. let alone their hardwork.

not all of them are pretty enough to be trusted. not all of them are able to channel their trust issue to right objects, in some right ways.

so what, we should handle them in full-trust, all equally?

God, my thoughts keep jumping over here and there and it is obviously getting uglier and uglier. pardon.

meeeeeeeeeeet!

it was an all-cheerie reunion :D

reflect

being constantly reminded that you are being kept inside your cocoon and unable to spread your wings to get the life you deserve is not lovely.

like, at all.

nothing is even a bit fun about that.
people tell yourself how you are underestimating yourself and, even worse, you admit it to yourself. and yes, you keep blaming.

now imagine yourself sitting on a position that is being blamed for keeping away someone's life from cracking outside their eggs.

you are strong enough to bear this

it is merely a common way of living nowadays: 'life on-the-go'. people are moving way beyond their capabilities in relatively irrationally-short length of time. that's why there are numerous tools to travel, never-ending improvement in communication technology, and so forth.

but really, none of them matters if we could manage to stay near. be it living in a cage, placed in nowhere land or unreachable top of a mountain, no other beings, no other living, no mcdonalds or even their delivery services, doesn't matter.

but who are we to decide?

tell me a story

old notes are..

dated: may 4, 2010
"by exposing how much alike you are with those shrimps that made my face swollen, it makes falling in love with you much harder to survive. tormenting, challenging, much likely turning myself to be intolerant, but yet so adorable it makes me drooling, unstoppably."

dated: may 8, 2010
"do people know what a broken trust is? it's a feeling far worse than having your heart broken, a feeling far worse than knowing you're left alone, a feeling far worse than not knowing anything, a feeling of betrayal, lost of hope..."

dated: may 9, 2010
"can you really--really--hit the 'snooze' button to get some rest? can you really postpone anything from happening just because you are unaware of it coming? just because.. you know, you hope it hasn't been the time yet.

so you need some rest, some time-out, something to keep your mind at ease. so you're tired, so what?"

dated: july 12, 2010
"there are numerous ways to describe a self, my favorite one is by stating anything it's not.

not the kind of person you'll choose to hang out with at times when you are down.
not the kind of person who will tell a lie to make you feel good.
not the kind of person who wants to look cool all the time.
not the kind of person who cheats and keeps it shut.
not the kind of person you'll trust."

fun to remind us of the old thoughts.

sing me a love song, drop me a line

mother's here. I am practically getting back to the way I lived few years ago: me and her. only this time, it wouldn't last that long.
oh, isn't it august already? pheew, how could this year leap through itself so quickly? well, this might be a little too early to decide, but apart from one HUGE achievement I have made this year, I won't be writing any posts to conclude 2010. well, if anyone had ever been jobless enough to follow where I had been, they might have realized how I had always welcomed a new year not by typing a 'resolution post' (because I kept failing myself at keeping promises) but by writing a conclusion post instead. that thing I mention earlier would be the answer to anyone's loss of my '2010-concluded' post---of course, if there's any. :-P
and yes, I should've known how this lifestyle could contradictorily affecting me financially and.. well corpulencily.

please do waste my time

I bought my first pack of monthly soft-lense today. tee-hee. :-D

and, umm.. let’s see. umm, seriously, there is nothing really interesting in my daily life nowadays. well, not that it’s not interesting for me to live in, anyway. there is absolutely nothing in this whole world that could defeat the joy of waking up late without any guilt following. I could spend as many time as I wanted to sit quietly on the toilet, scroll through my twitter ‘home’ from bottom to the top, get out, and then hit the bed once again, and then after half an hour or so, going back to the toilet seat again only to sit down and actually do nothing. seriously, if you force me to define heaven, that’s how I’ll go.

yeah, there is nothing really interesting in that in the eyes of anyone who’s watching me (if there’s any). well, at least I could tell how my parents were not 'that' excited for me. :-P

oh, did I forget to mention what happened a couple days ago while I was trimming my nails? it cracked. they did. MY NAILS actually cracked. I didn’t know it was so damaged until it cracked. and yes, of course it cracked my heart, too, so I’m currently in off-from-being-polished therapy for now. which makes my face turned indescribably frowning/envying/angry everytime I passed through anyone with shiny well-polished nails. GRR.

anyway, does anybody know why my phone keeps telling me one sentence over and over again until I am very much feeling sick enough to care about: SIM Card Error … SOS? and would anybody please kindly explain what I would have to do now that it keeps the annoying attitude? looking forward to get my answer, thanks.

hammering in my head

okay, here’s the thing:

there are points when everything you do seems a lot like reality, correct, and undeniably beautiful, eventhough at more than few times it does make you cry. or at least whine.

or vice versa.

some things feel hard, wrong, and you feel yourself getting lost while you’ve actually forgotten how those things could make you smile and lighten your steps.

this, and the ability to see ‘this’ as this… is rare. that’s why few people are grateful enough to thank God for their current living.

july, oh

so, most of the things that i thought could be the highlights of 2010 had happened. all in july. well, there were one or two unexpected highlights that happened sometime earlier but those were not the things i would gladly speak about now.

a couple of days after my graduation, my body gave up under exhaustion. i was consciously willing to spend the day resting around at home, doing nothing, and get a full-body rejuvenating massage, and so i did. it went as well as expected and I got up from bed the next morning feeling like being re-born. only now, for the sake of what the massage therapist told me repeatedly every ten seconds during the session, i am obligated to consume more water, as in the drinking water. she said my body was so lacking of water that it was as dry as a savanna. so now, aside from making the most out of my absolute joblessness, i have a thing to accomplish everyday: drink 8 glasses of water. it’s not at all easy, at least not for me.

and i think my vision is getting further away from 20/20. :-( gonna be needing a soft-lense, most probably, but i need to see a doctor first.

moving

yes baby, i have been graduated whooooosh~

and for little updates on these r fake:

PROFILE FOR LA LIGHTS INDIEFEST 2010

(click to see our taping result)

'you belong in the circus. not in theaters.'

she said, ‘later, when you are old enough to grow your nails, wise enough to decide which color to apply on them, careful enough to paint them pretty, and responsible enough to take a good care of them, right then, i will tell.’
‘i will tell you my most embarrassing story, so you will be able to put your head up, knowing that i had been on a point so low, way lower than anywhere you had been.’
‘i will tell you my worst mistake, not in order to let you repeat them and make you feel like it is okay to do, but to make you a brave person by realizing that nobody has ever been living their lives perfectly, not even me.’

when the time is right. when the time is right.

why is it that..

everytime the tendency of going insane went somewhere too near to the 'unbearable' level, the ONLY thing i went to mess up with of all the objects in the whole world would be: my hair.

hello for not so long

so, finally i woke up this morning feeling alright. the best shape i had ever been in the last couple of weeks. it could be two bottles of you c 1000 that i finished in a instant last night or something else. God knows.

ahems,

last wednesday was my second presentation. with a body feeling totally unwell and the unhelpful few hours of sleep before the time, i went and finished it. not so smoothly, of course. but at least i can consider it done.. for some short length of time near now. many many many many thanks to @odafidafio and @shebyricardo for being there and helping me getting prepared. kisses kisses kisses!

anyway, had done a few household thingies earlier. but i still haven't got the urge to take a shower until now ha-ha.

oh, apparently the middle part of our brains can help us to actually see things without having our eyes opened. and the tv-guy mentioned how it helped those 'well-trained' kids academically. nothing's amazing, dummy-o, it clearly helped them to cheat effortlessly.

seriously, television today bores me to death.