tells tells tells

how to wrap a girl around your fingers

2010-09-04T00:08:00.001+07:00

"sacrifice, do something HUGE even if it's something that is so not you. convince her that nothing in the whole world would mean anything without her beside you. make her feel good and doubtless about how good she is in your eyes. grow the trust inside her that she is important to you.

and don't let her go.

don't even make her feel like letting you go."

shitloads of things to do.

2010-08-28T22:09:00.000+07:00

the scariest thing is: I can't stop imagining myself passing through that door. while everyone keeps telling me how I would be fine, I keep listening to only one voice that's telling me I wouldn't survive. the scariest thing is: I can't stop imagining myself passing through that door. that tiny door.

the numbers are getting huge. so huge that it's haunting me to sleep. or even after.

I keep counting numbers, not willing to lose my tracks of time. and I keep realizing things that's telling me I should stop counting. I found voices, lines, small things, big matters, words, statements, seconds, minutes, hours..

I'm afraid of being, but deep down inside I am willing to.

I keep comparing, I keep getting punches. now I'm lost, and word-less.

thinking too much had never done me any good. feeling too much had never brought me somewhere better. I hated, I loved, I got mad, I smiled..

I'm afraid of being. too afraid of being. but deep down inside I am not at all afraid of willing to.

now where is that voice when I need something to keep my mind at ease? oh, that door. ooh..

I am so sick but at the same time I have never been healthier. life?

..asked for a drink or two

2010-08-27T00:33:00.001+07:00

had dinner with kak pepi, keke, and DA :) this is the picture of me not being able to properly swallow my kani mayo inari, captured by kak pepi :*

but I'm in so deep

2010-08-25T21:33:00.001+07:00

I keep trying to recall my memory of the last time being here, feeling this. so far, I haven't found any images that I am fond of. I never liked being here, feeling this.

I received an IM, something that tried to explain the reasons behind women's tears. and as much as I realized how it was true, I hated it.

a place to live

2010-08-20T00:56:00.001+07:00

juggertown, that's what it's called. it's a small town with beautiful scenery. colorful flowers spreading all around forming cashmere rug view, humid air, trustful neighborhood, cute little kids on their bikes. a town of future hope, a town of happy living.

now edie somehow found out about juggertown by accident. he was being hooked by a real estate agent to live in the middle of the city's nonstop rush living when he decided to take a random trip south. he'd been pulled aside by an officer for reason unknown, and just when the inspection clarified as the officer's mistake and he started the engine to do a u-turn back to the city, he took a look to his left, and there it was: juggertown.

he drove all the way around juggertown and exchanged some friendly smiles with the people. he thought: 'this is a place where I can achieve my goals.'

now yes, there is an unpopular belief that had been in his mind since he didn't know exactly when. contradictory to his beer-buddies' choice of life, edie had always thought how wonderful it would be to live among friendly people, not paying any attention to the stockmarket updates, be the person his neighborhood can always count on for doing small-yet-not-everyone-can-do things, and live to do a thing he had always been passionate about: painting.

rather impulsively, edie agreed to sign the paper which declared that he was the new owner of a small three-bedrooms house around the corner of a small street in juggertown. three days after, he was all packed, he quit being a lawyer, bought medium-sized canvases, and became one of the juggertown's happy people.

while falling in love to juggertown takes a split second, surviving it is a whole different story.

well, there's always a possibility that edie is rather slow in adapting to a new place. but there is also a possibility that juggertown gives no mercy for a newbie. in this case, it's more likely the second possibility that happened.

juggertown is friendly: to its people.
juggertown is pretty: that's why it's hard to fit in.
juggertown provides comfort and peaceful living: if you could manage to survive the first two points.
and juggertown can, and definitely will, kick someone out if it feels like he/she is inappropriate, or in another phrase: 'not juggertown enough'.

that made all the reason for edie to hide his true self. ironically, the only place where he thought could deliver himself the life he had always wanted was 'not edie enough'. it didn't pay much respect to single guys with no wife and kids nor to his interest in painting. they worshiped family people. and he had to pretend he was one, you know, for the sake of getting along.

but then what is a place to live if it can't give you the life you have always wanted? at one point you will feel safe from people around you, but how long will it last? and somewhere along the road, won't you feel tired of pretending to be anyone that you're not? what is 'safe'? what is 'happy'? should we always choose either one or the other?

from sappy old movies

2010-08-18T23:44:00.001+07:00

I started today kinda early for my recent body clock (which usually started at some time after lunch) to fulfill an appointment at the immigration office: take a photograph for my new passport. the office is no longer located at its old place, it's moved to a location 'more south'. so, it came as an opportunity for me because after the appointment took place, I could still buy myself some more time to begin a project I have been looking forward to. but more on this later.

then I went home, wait some more hours to break my fasting, and then went online to do a little research. fyi, I really did a research. only it was, as I mentioned before, a little.

afterwards, didn't know where the devil came out from, I decided to finish half a whole jar of my greentea fro yo which was ordered to be home-delivered yesterday. and as a contrary to my research, this time, I'm talking about one big sized jar. didn't know the exact measurement but I'm still kinda sure it was at least a 1lt jar. well, I'm always bad at speaking approximation, though.

shortly speaking, with helps from strawberries, mixed mochis, longans, almonds, kiwis, and nata de cocos, I finished the fro yo while watching 'sex & the city the movie 2'. and here's a little fact: I actually cried watching that movie.

can't really remember the last time I watched a movie and cried because of it, not because of the condition I was in (in this later case, I'm sure my last one was 'how to train your dragon').

I KNOW.

well, to neutralize the odds, I cried watching 'armageddon', too. all the seven times.

speaking of which

2010-08-18T04:24:00.001+07:00

I take it I must've spoiled a little (if not much) about my recent drink-at-least-8-glasses-of-water-a-day therapy. well, I'm pretty sure I have, somewhere between my bragging lines.

well yeah, it's something I wasn't aware of abandoning. come to think of it, I actually survived most of my days drinking less than 4 glasses of water back then. I sweated a little, my kidney once had a problem, and my skin was as dry as a deserted savanna.

the habit went worse when I was in college. most probably because bandung itself has this damp cold weather it's almost impossible for you to feel dehydrated.

apparently, in this capital city, it doesn't work that way. it took me one or two weeks to realize how that habit took away almost my every reason to feel well enough to live. somebody told me in a strongly-accusing way of speaking, so I decided to start doing that thing I had always been reading in every 'basic living well' tips and tricks.

well, basically it wasn't just about the water. it's about helping my body to adapt to a whole 'new' city climate where it is overheated and once it doesn't feel like it is too hot, it must've been the air-con, which is by the way, also has a dehydrating impact to the skin.

so, the whole 'therapy' takes form in: drinking AT THE VERY LEAST 8 tall-glasses of water, decreasing the amount of diuretic ingredients consumed (this is mostly caffeine, for me), body lotion and face moisturizer: twice as much as I previously used to rub on my skin, vitamin (E, for me), and drink milk.

felt a little too time-consuming at the beginning because it basically doubles up the daily dose of everything. but yeah, it works. em, still, I kinda think those things are the only thing I do everyday. haha, that's my only obligation nowadays, tho. :p

it takes two to tango

2010-08-15T05:27:00.002+07:00

what do I know of taking precautions, playing safe, or.. well, basically not risking to sacrifice myself over things? is it really all about not giving 100% out of me to avoid getting 150% disappointed halfway? should people really give out their best effort in terms of everything?

because I know people, I have met human beings, and not all of them are truly capable of respecting others as human beings. let alone their hardwork.

not all of them are pretty enough to be trusted. not all of them are able to channel their trust issue to right objects, in some right ways.

so what, we should handle them in full-trust, all equally?

God, my thoughts keep jumping over here and there and it is obviously getting uglier and uglier. pardon.

meeeeeeeeeeet!

2010-08-14T13:20:00.001+07:00

it was an all-cheerie reunion :D

reflect

2010-08-03T16:47:00.002+07:00

being constantly reminded that you are being kept inside your cocoon and unable to spread your wings to get the life you deserve is not lovely.

like, at all.

nothing is even a bit fun about that.
people tell yourself how you are underestimating yourself and, even worse, you admit it to yourself. and yes, you keep blaming.

now imagine yourself sitting on a position that is being blamed for keeping away someone's life from cracking outside their eggs.

you are strong enough to bear this

2010-08-02T14:44:00.002+07:00

it is merely a common way of living nowadays: 'life on-the-go'. people are moving way beyond their capabilities in relatively irrationally-short length of time. that's why there are numerous tools to travel, never-ending improvement in communication technology, and so forth.

but really, none of them matters if we could manage to stay near. be it living in a cage, placed in nowhere land or unreachable top of a mountain, no other beings, no other living, no mcdonalds or even their delivery services, doesn't matter.

but who are we to decide?

tell me a story

2010-08-02T00:11:00.001+07:00

old notes are..

dated: may 4, 2010
"by exposing how much alike you are with those shrimps that made my face swollen, it makes falling in love with you much harder to survive. tormenting, challenging, much likely turning myself to be intolerant, but yet so adorable it makes me drooling, unstoppably."

dated: may 8, 2010
"do people know what a broken trust is? it's a feeling far worse than having your heart broken, a feeling far worse than knowing you're left alone, a feeling far worse than not knowing anything, a feeling of betrayal, lost of hope..."

dated: may 9, 2010
"can you really--really--hit the 'snooze' button to get some rest? can you really postpone anything from happening just because you are unaware of it coming? just because.. you know, you hope it hasn't been the time yet.

so you need some rest, some time-out, something to keep your mind at ease. so you're tired, so what?"

dated: july 12, 2010
"there are numerous ways to describe a self, my favorite one is by stating anything it's not.

not the kind of person you'll choose to hang out with at times when you are down.
not the kind of person who will tell a lie to make you feel good.
not the kind of person who wants to look cool all the time.
not the kind of person who cheats and keeps it shut.
not the kind of person you'll trust."

fun to remind us of the old thoughts.

sing me a love song, drop me a line

2010-08-01T23:14:00.001+07:00

mother's here. I am practically getting back to the way I lived few years ago: me and her. only this time, it wouldn't last that long.
oh, isn't it august already? pheew, how could this year leap through itself so quickly? well, this might be a little too early to decide, but apart from one HUGE achievement I have made this year, I won't be writing any posts to conclude 2010. well, if anyone had ever been jobless enough to follow where I had been, they might have realized how I had always welcomed a new year not by typing a 'resolution post' (because I kept failing myself at keeping promises) but by writing a conclusion post instead. that thing I mention earlier would be the answer to anyone's loss of my '2010-concluded' post---of course, if there's any. :-P
and yes, I should've known how this lifestyle could contradictorily affecting me financially and.. well corpulencily.

please do waste my time

2010-07-28T23:55:00.000+07:00

I bought my first pack of monthly soft-lense today. tee-hee. :-D

and, umm.. let’s see. umm, seriously, there is nothing really interesting in my daily life nowadays. well, not that it’s not interesting for me to live in, anyway. there is absolutely nothing in this whole world that could defeat the joy of waking up late without any guilt following. I could spend as many time as I wanted to sit quietly on the toilet, scroll through my twitter ‘home’ from bottom to the top, get out, and then hit the bed once again, and then after half an hour or so, going back to the toilet seat again only to sit down and actually do nothing. seriously, if you force me to define heaven, that’s how I’ll go.

yeah, there is nothing really interesting in that in the eyes of anyone who’s watching me (if there’s any). well, at least I could tell how my parents were not 'that' excited for me. :-P

oh, did I forget to mention what happened a couple days ago while I was trimming my nails? it cracked. they did. MY NAILS actually cracked. I didn’t know it was so damaged until it cracked. and yes, of course it cracked my heart, too, so I’m currently in off-from-being-polished therapy for now. which makes my face turned indescribably frowning/envying/angry everytime I passed through anyone with shiny well-polished nails. GRR.

anyway, does anybody know why my phone keeps telling me one sentence over and over again until I am very much feeling sick enough to care about: SIM Card Error … SOS? and would anybody please kindly explain what I would have to do now that it keeps the annoying attitude? looking forward to get my answer, thanks.

hammering in my head

2010-07-27T13:39:00.000+07:00

okay, here’s the thing:

there are points when everything you do seems a lot like reality, correct, and undeniably beautiful, eventhough at more than few times it does make you cry. or at least whine.

or vice versa.

some things feel hard, wrong, and you feel yourself getting lost while you’ve actually forgotten how those things could make you smile and lighten your steps.

this, and the ability to see ‘this’ as this… is rare. that’s why few people are grateful enough to thank God for their current living.

july, oh

2010-07-24T12:33:00.002+07:00

so, most of the things that i thought could be the highlights of 2010 had happened. all in july. well, there were one or two unexpected highlights that happened sometime earlier but those were not the things i would gladly speak about now.

a couple of days after my graduation, my body gave up under exhaustion. i was consciously willing to spend the day resting around at home, doing nothing, and get a full-body rejuvenating massage, and so i did. it went as well as expected and I got up from bed the next morning feeling like being re-born. only now, for the sake of what the massage therapist told me repeatedly every ten seconds during the session, i am obligated to consume more water, as in the drinking water. she said my body was so lacking of water that it was as dry as a savanna. so now, aside from making the most out of my absolute joblessness, i have a thing to accomplish everyday: drink 8 glasses of water. it’s not at all easy, at least not for me.

and i think my vision is getting further away from 20/20. :-( gonna be needing a soft-lense, most probably, but i need to see a doctor first.

moving

2010-07-18T16:20:00.000+07:00

yes baby, i have been graduated whooooosh~

and for little updates on these r fake:

PROFILE FOR LA LIGHTS INDIEFEST 2010

(click to see our taping result)

'you belong in the circus. not in theaters.'

2010-06-29T14:32:00.002+07:00

she said, ‘later, when you are old enough to grow your nails, wise enough to decide which color to apply on them, careful enough to paint them pretty, and responsible enough to take a good care of them, right then, i will tell.’
‘i will tell you my most embarrassing story, so you will be able to put your head up, knowing that i had been on a point so low, way lower than anywhere you had been.’
‘i will tell you my worst mistake, not in order to let you repeat them and make you feel like it is okay to do, but to make you a brave person by realizing that nobody has ever been living their lives perfectly, not even me.’

when the time is right. when the time is right.

why is it that..

2010-06-13T00:36:00.000+07:00

everytime the tendency of going insane went somewhere too near to the 'unbearable' level, the ONLY thing i went to mess up with of all the objects in the whole world would be: my hair.

hello for not so long

2010-05-30T18:18:00.001+07:00

so, finally i woke up this morning feeling alright. the best shape i had ever been in the last couple of weeks. it could be two bottles of you c 1000 that i finished in a instant last night or something else. God knows.

ahems,

last wednesday was my second presentation. with a body feeling totally unwell and the unhelpful few hours of sleep before the time, i went and finished it. not so smoothly, of course. but at least i can consider it done.. for some short length of time near now. many many many many thanks to @odafidafio and @shebyricardo for being there and helping me getting prepared. kisses kisses kisses!

anyway, had done a few household thingies earlier. but i still haven't got the urge to take a shower until now ha-ha.

oh, apparently the middle part of our brains can help us to actually see things without having our eyes opened. and the tv-guy mentioned how it helped those 'well-trained' kids academically. nothing's amazing, dummy-o, it clearly helped them to cheat effortlessly.

seriously, television today bores me to death.

silver lining

2010-05-26T07:44:00.000+07:00

honestly, I might be standing on a point where I would like to forget every whereabouts of how I'd gotten myself here. that's why I'll try to count and mention a few (VERY few, indeed) good things about it now:

I know now the easiest (and probably most pleasant) way to stop smoking and drinking.

I know now that me-with-an-excess-baggage-around-the-waist is not actually that ugly.

later on

2010-05-21T11:51:00.001+07:00

I don't dare to say that I've passed the ugliest one, but at least I've worked my way out of it. not so nicely, though. let's just say.. it's over, by itsself.

I caught a cold right after my first final this semester. not the heavy one, just an all-day runny nose and me totally dozed-off under procold for literally half a day. plus the transsexual voice that's currently implemented inside my lungs, femmy said I sounded like some highschool-wannabes. yea right, whatever. at least the tomato soup did something helpful last night. ;-D

I welcomed this morning by watching 'clueless' movie on HBO. I could see brittany murphy before she lost some serious weight (and now her whole life, if I'm not mistaken, true?). haha, this movie was all about its title.

a shower would be nice, I suppose, so there I will go.

in the dark

2010-05-18T18:02:00.001+07:00

I was feeling completely bloated and unable to move a single inch because of the super-sized lunch I just had when suddenly.. the electricity went down. fuck. you guys who admitted how you'd worked your asses off hard for the sake of this nation's electricity should really take those words back and shove it together on each others' asses. seriously if you have to let anyone live without electricity in their houses, you better at least shut it off at noon. be mindful. aargh.

on the fine line between

2010-05-16T07:09:00.001+07:00

I was practically sure that I have reached a point where I could no longer compensate anything unrealistic, exaggerated, or in a much more simplified phrase: too-good-to-be-true. but then I found myself repeatedly keep holding on things that was too unstable, thus resulting in me, falling. was I compromising too much? was I being a silenced masochist to my own self? aren't we all? is it just me?
as my list of unanswered questions went too long, I realized that my life had been too-true-to-be-good. I hadn't had any breakdowns whatsoever and I kinda thought I couldn't have asked for anything more. this should've been enough.
...if only I were not only human, who always asked for something more from life. and to make it even worse, people judged me as a perfectionist, most of the time.
would it be too much to ask for perfection had I poured all my efforts? but then again, what is 'effort'? what is 'too much'? goddamnit.

you were right, where are you now?

2010-05-10T06:38:00.000+07:00

few things i can effortlessly grab from where i am sitting

all up to me

2010-05-07T00:57:00.001+07:00

do you know what's even better than having a signature scent? it's knowing that someone could still purchase it for free, for you, when it is already a well-known fact that it was no longer being produced. tee-hee.

felt slightly better about the whole final assignment thingy (for.. perhaps, no actual reasons) apart from the other two subjects i'm taking. fyi, last 4-hours-of-doing-nothing class on wednesday was supposed to be my last official class for this semester (according to the official academic calendar). but the fact is, i most probably am going to have another one next monday, plus one assignment that comes with it.

anyway, whichever it will turn out to be, any classes i would declare as 'my last class this semester' could also be translated as 'my last class in this campus, for good' (crossing fingers).

the targeted graduation is only a couple of months away from now. grrrraw!

your eyes staring, they're staring right through me

2010-04-30T11:15:00.000+07:00

there's an innocent bird chirping on my window. the chirp must have been quite amusing, because everything seems twice more wonderful being seen while listening to it. the empty cup of my coffee, the absence of the footsteps around my doors, even the trashed plastic bags on my floor.
it was a little exhilarating, knowing something out there is effortlessly still making me smile. something unessential, something forgettable. while something, or someone else that means a lot, the essential and unforgettable ones, are moving to another direction. further, further away from my happiness.
there is the chirp and then there is the heartbeat. there is innocence and then there is guilt. there is a bird and then there is a guy.

drink up, baby, down

2010-04-25T20:53:00.000+07:00

despite the long and deep deep thinking i should be doing, i decided to simply go with the flow for now. the only thing that makes it hard for me is how i could let myself to be the co-driver instead of taking the full control authority. you know.. just because i should be having no more interest in the idea of relying on someone else.

so it was a rather challenging week for me. thankfully, the lecturer took a decision to postpone the progress presentation to upcoming week. it at least gave me time to breathe the air a little. i swear i would talk all gibberish had it went as formerly scheduled.

my thoughts are still unconsciously wandering to some places i know it shouldn't be and the mood is still on the bumpy stage. which means, i could manage to get through few days smoothly but then i would need one whole day to hide under the blanket, facing the pillow and turn it to be extremely wet.

oh, one more thing. i keep having dreams at night. unpleasant ones. and it all had one thing in common, of course.

trust is, indeed, fragile

2010-04-24T14:17:00.000+07:00

you see, forgiving one self is easy, what's actually hard is trying to put yourself back together after feeling completely left out and then bumped hard to the ground until you're crashed and burned. what's even harder is keeping the question of whether or not you could regain the strength to go back to the beginning, and forget. and the hardest one is... of course, risking yourself to get bumped to the ground once again.

what the hell is going on?

2010-04-04T20:48:00.000+07:00

barely could chew a thing but at least it's glittery greeeeeeen!

so yeah, i'm back at bandung now, after spending the last four days at jakarta. primarily for the sake of...

oh yes baby, concert-going with them!

'cause it's all going off without you

2010-04-01T11:00:00.000+07:00

what made last night so unforgetful for me was this very song...

and everything that was happening during then. :') God, i still feel like crying.

truth being told

2010-03-30T21:45:00.001+07:00

i really wish, at one point, i could say anything i wanted and be heard as how i intended to be. not just saying things i assume you wanted to hear nor to be heard as something you wanted me to sound like.

just so you would start saying things genuinely, not just because you wanted to be seen as something else that was not you.

she's gone to the other side

2010-03-18T22:07:00.001+07:00

it feels truly TRULY relieving for me having passed this last week according to how i have planned it. because a run along...

TRF's stage without @pepibayik on saturday
midtest with 400++ pages to study on monday
internship report deadline on wednesday, and
an obligatory meeting for my final assignment today

was obviously more than enough for a week.

i am proud of myself and now i need a peaceful weekend full of DA and my girls and my buddies.

...
before having to start studying for another exam next monday.

you know that i'll be there for you in the end

2010-03-09T22:35:00.000+07:00

is it true that trust is a fragile thing?

if it is, how fragile is it exactly?

if it depends, what does it exactly depend on?

what about saying that our trust had reached its limit to another person whose trust is in some more fragile level of fragility?

what about deciding to quit trusting someone who's been ignoring his/her trust's fragility in dealing with us all along?

what about that person? what about those people?

what about us?

which one comes first?

be strong, be wrong

2010-03-09T04:14:00.002+07:00

after one thing leaded to another and the long never-ending chain of disappointment, mistrust, and misleading facts.

the thing is, when you decided something and you put up with it even when you cried yourself dry, you started realizing that that decision might be the best. for you, at least. because talking about 'everyone' is just.. you know, 'i-just-don't-wanna-sound-so-selfish'-y.

honestly need your honest opinion

2010-02-25T12:57:00.002+07:00

i'm thinking about opening an online shop, what do you think?

it's too early

2010-02-25T05:02:00.002+07:00

i decided to go to bed early, so i went to hit my pillows at 00:00, in a peaceful hope that i would be able to wake up early at 6:00 and have some jogs at the jogging track.

not at all failed, though. but i guess i was praying too hard on waking up early, so that was exactly what i got. i woke up. extremely early. at around 2:30. BY SOME FRIGGIN' TERRIFYING NIGHTMARE.

it involved an overaged female running her fingers on my breasts, anyway. AN ABSOLUTE HORROR.

so, here i am now, typing randomly while the television is still singing something that sounds like.. 'liiii~ve like we're dying'. oh, he was another american idol, i assume.

aanyway,

had a ym conversation with @echaboy when i had successfully calmed myself down from the nightmare. the conversation leaded to a late phonecall with DA (which costed me less than 500 idr, God bless identical cellphone service for couples!). he was waiting for his sleepiness to hit while watching the football match on tv. so, i told him my nightmare, he got like: 'ewh, okay, that was scary, but just ignore it and go back to bed.'

and i still haven't felt sleepy at all.

okay then, let's go back to the beginning of yesterday.

i decided to skip the auditorium session for my TOM class because i was just sure i wouldn't be able to be there on time. oh anyway, this week's the second week i went back to my older choice of transportation: the public transportation. i'm telling you, my campus doesn't serve its students so nicely when it comes to adequate parking lots. and the younger kids are so immature they think those available parking lots were theirs at the first time so they're free to do the monopoly. such selfish spoiled brats.

okay, anyway..

so i went to campus on angkot with my ipod on. went to the tutorial class, got the homework and 3 numbers of class assignments done. apparently those were what it took for me to starve. so, i ran to the usual canteen to grab some meals for lunch where i met dito, galih, and hendi and they brought me to the place where they (note: only them) would get free lunches. well, apart from the fact that at days i rarely had spent any time with them except in classes, they weren't bad for lunch-mates. i mean, they're not bad at all.

so i was with them until around 14:00 when i received a txt message from DA, telling me that he was already there to pick me up. so i ran to the gate and went to accompany him to have his lunch.

okay, i just yawned, i guess i'm going to hit the pillows in some time around now.

and there goes my plan to jog. God, i hate having a cancelled sport session when i was rrrrrreally willing to do it. i hate you, nightmare, i truly do.

it takes ... to unleash it

2010-02-23T21:30:00.000+07:00

it is never possible for anyone to completely finish reading a book in an instance. there's always the procedure, to uncover it, pull its own cover up, reading letter-by-letter, word-by-word, page-to-page...

when we felt tired of reading or our ways to visualize the words into our imagination failed us, sometimes we chose to take a rest. decided to stay imagining its content down to the latest word we caught. at that point, we might not feel that knowing the entire content or how it would end was necessary.

...
okay, that was mostly me.

i, most of the times, thought that for some readings i've had, had my own favorite endings. sometimes it really meant i ended reading and neglected the rest of the book left unknown, the other times, it was just 'for me, this book ended at (let's say..) the middle of chapter 19.' but i kept reading until the book actually ended, anyway.

yes, i did make my own endings for stories that weren't even mine. i did. because i believed some things were better left unknown.

and now,
i've had my price for me to pay.

"where are you going?"

2010-02-22T21:37:00.002+07:00

i can't concentrate or pay more focus to what's ahead of me, either. all i did was staring at what i had seen, finding clues, asking for helps, and it made me feel even more terrible. i dropped a tear everytime i remembered them, everytime i saw them.

fragile, i just want to hold and tell you how much i want to make you feel safe.

i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry. and i wish i could tell them to you. straight, to the point. and if it must end with us crying, so be it.

i'm sorry, i really do.

i don't want to disappear. i want to be near.

2010-02-21T04:47:00.000+07:00

congratulations, DA's brother! :-)

and thankieeesss, @pepibayik and dydy!

caught in bad romance

2010-02-08T22:49:00.002+07:00

i have almost always been proud of how i'd never been able to put things i really like in words. things like the smell of a car that had been abandoned under the bright hot shining sun for hours, the sound of someone walking towards my door in times no one would normally do, the sense of other people's presence, the joy of laughs--even when they weren't mine.

i have never been able to put into words the description of my favorite type of the opposite sex. it has never been as simple as: dark/light skin tone, skinny/muscular figure, hard-definite/soft-chubby jaw line.

i adore any special vibes that's within the possession of ordinary people. i adore thoughts i have never thought of. i adore humbleness of an unexposed brilliance. i--like most females do--adore unrevealed secrets that would only be revealed to me, and therefore, will become mine and mine only.

i adore people who influence me.

and even more adoring one person who could influence me to adore more people who, in my tiny sights, looked similar to that person--outside and, God forbids, inside.

'cause when i leave for the night i ain't coming back

2010-02-08T21:25:00.005+07:00

i guess i have been a little abandoning this, getting too busy with Momento. hahah.

so..
as usual, i went to campus for two classes on monday, which happens to be today. yeah, i went to campus today, having Hak Kekayaan Intelektual Bidang Desain class on 11am, followed by Manajemen Operasi dan Teknologi on 1:30pm. paid least attention on the last couple hours of the last class but luckily managed to not fallen asleep. 'yay' for that, i guess.

and i spent the last weekend at jakarta, primarily because i had a monthly appointment with my orthodontist. it feels much more obligatory for now, considering i'd once being so reckless about these braces that i forgot to pay any monthly visits for more that two years. what a loyal patient. poor teeth, i hope they wouldn't ask for revenge later.

and as usual, jakarta brought me to another outing with my brother and his girlfriend, who happens to be one of my best friends in jhs.

and looky look what she got me from her trip to bangkok!

and this evening, i literally ripped my wallet off for a stack of new dvds to accompany me tonight. been meaning to stay awake until the sun rises tomorrow but then this txt somehow dragged me down, back to earth:

"Kt pak martinus ada kul TA besok jam 9.30, kasi tau yg laen y, thx"

nothing's gonna bring you down

2010-02-01T11:07:00.000+07:00

am officially waking up late for my 9am class. hahaha. uh, i'm so sorry.

so, i was home all night last night, non-stop-ly staring on bright displays with my glasses on, which resulted in:

• SILBERMOND (thankies, @famminarism!)

• re-activated facebook account

Dyah Shinta Dwitya | Create Your Badge

• TAP TAP REVENGE: LADY GAGA EDITION

i need my sanity back, soon. no, seriously, been having too much fun while avoiding the fact that the new semester had begun. the new semester, which should better be my last semester, here. oh fuck.

-to death

2010-01-30T19:12:00.002+07:00

i've already eaten up my dvds (still not all that is unwatched), stuffing my phone with things over-the-air, taken shower, sunk in my sofabed, and spent the whole day craving for donuts. and now i'm kinda bored. so, i decided to blog.

oh my, i'm so bored and i really really really want something glazed with sugar icing.

haaaaaaaaaaaargh.

once was tagged

2010-01-25T00:08:00.000+07:00

Using only song names from ONE BAND or ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions.. Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think! Repost as "my life according to (band name)"

Pick your Artist: GARBAGE

Are you a female: Stupid Girl

Describe yourself: Untouchable

How do you feel: Can't Cry These Tears

Describe where you currently live: The World is Not Enough

If you could go anywhere, where would you go: Parade

Your favorite form of transportation: Cup of Coffee

Your best friend is: Androgyny

You and your best friends are: Cherry Lips

What's the weather like: So Like A Rose

Favorite time of day: When I Grow Up

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called: Why Do You Love Me

What is life to you: The Trick is to Keep Breathing

Your relationship: Medication

Your fear: Hammering in My Head

What is the best advice you have to give: Push It

How I would like to die: You Look So Fine

My soul's present condition: Special

My Motto: Temptation Waits

hi all, i am back

2010-01-24T21:22:00.000+07:00

no, i am not, and not at all. and i don't even want to be.

so here, let me put it this way:
the only thing i don't want to be related to is anything vulnerable. like glass, water, or paper. while you're one who is so proud of being so. i am not.

the only thing i always try to keep doing was letting go and never look back. while you're one who is so proud of doing the opposite. i am not.

one of the most useless things i consider as a waste of energy and effort is comparing one self to the other. while you think you're so good at being compared to that nothing could ever beat you down. i do not.

what's the point of being seen as someone vulnerable while constantly keeping up the competition between you and the other, seeking the opportunity to win by gaining sympathy? it's not even a competition if it's not being held objectively.

what's the point of comparing two absolutely-different things that happen in two absolutely-different stages of time?

what's the point of not letting go, suffering yourself, and be proud about it?

if you prefer to speak metaphors instead of blatant truth, let me translate this to you in my most favorite metaphorical statement:

YOU'RE A FREAK

dressed down, yeah?

2009-11-23T23:00:00.000+07:00

little tittle-tale

2009-11-13T04:17:00.001+07:00

i guess it's time.

hi, my name is lily, yes, lily, like the pretty flower lily. like the one that made you laughed your ass off when you watched "how i met your mother" lily. like the one whose "fuck you" you sang along en route lily.

it is unlikely, i know. i am no passive like flower, i can fly, i have wings. i never tried chugging beers in bars while hanging out with my best friends either, i can not chug, i sing. though nobody sings along with me except those who also have wings. i am not a pop singer, not from u.k., i don't know where i came from, i flew here and there.

tree to tree. branch to branch. rooftop to rooftop...

but that was so long ago, at least it feels like it had been ages since the last time i flew that free. maybe i miss it, maybe i don't. i kinda like how i live my life now. rather edgy, differs from ones my old buds have out there. no fighting rain, no bearing overheating sunshine, no tiring flights.

it's cozy here. all i have to do is sitting on this same branch every second, every hour, every day. my food will come unnoticed, just like 'zap!'-food! lovely!

...isn't it?

the only thing i have to fight hard here, is boredom. at first these 'clank-clank' gold bearers looked unbelievably beautiful. i couldn't wait to see it up-close. but now it is kinda worn out. aging? or did i infect it with my singing? was i singing too high-pitched? oh no, did i cause those stains on these goldie 'clank-clank'?

ah, wait. that's not it.

actually, i've been noticing something odd lately. goldie 'clank-clank' never let me out. goldie 'clank-clank' always trapped most parts of my body. sometimes i could kiss the air outside the goldie 'clank-clank', sometimes i could stretch one of my wings outside, but the space it gave had never been enough for my whole body to get out. i could not do any diets, of course, because the food was always the 'zap!'-food.

anyway,

i can notice that some part of goldie 'clank-clank' had been removed. yes, i know. poor goldie 'clank-clank'. now there's a big hole inside it. i know it's big, because now i can let half of my body touches the outside air. i don't know what went wrong. all i know is goldie 'clank-clank' suddenly decided to make it easier for me to go out. i haven't, though. because i'm too afraid that goldie 'clank-clank' would never let me in again next time. i love being with goldie 'clank-clank'. i've been with it since as long as i could remember. and along with the 'zap!'-food, too.

...but the outside. oh, the outside. you should see the face i made everytime i made contacts with the outside. oh, the pretty breeze. oh, those branches i'd been playing on since i was born. oh, the sun.. oh..

OH, STOP!

i think i just made goldie 'clank-clank' dropped a tear.

no, goldie 'clank-clank', don't cry. if you don't want me to get seduced by the outside, why don't you put your removed parts back? why did you let it off the first time?

why, goldie 'clank-clank'?

why?

...

did you...

um, wait.

...

did you wish i was gone?

are you letting me go?

are you...?

there was a phase when i came to think that winning was not everything.

it's not now, not where i am standing today. i might be stepping a little too far to the 'losing' zone, and all i can feel now is nothing but losing.

i'm in the middle of your picture

2009-11-06T03:58:00.000+07:00

i am never good at writing while feeling emotional but everytime my heart went above my head, the first thing i wanted to grab was anything i could write with.

and now,

i
don't
know
what
to
write

...
okay.

as of now, sweeney todd is currently running on my tv (didn't realy pay attention what the channel was), i was just awake from my sleep because i forced myself to at around 12am, and most probably because i forced myself to sleep, my stomach is now acting mad, i feel very much like throwing up but so far, i haven't.

i think i'm going back to bed. don't know anything else better than that for now.

what, a party?

2009-11-04T12:50:00.000+07:00

just some projects i agreed to work on. the deadline was set on tomorrow.

so, how's everyone doing? :-|

i haven't been having proper appetite for anything. all i did since this monday were mostly being unproductive. stayed unbathed, reading comics, sit/sleeping, smoking, getting strong headaches in between, enjoying my stomach growled itself for starvation, ignoring assignments and class attendances. very much unappealing but this is what i am strongly in need of: a rest. even from taking a good care of myself.

my mom will be in bandung this weekend. so it means, however horrible i am now, i should look fine and all-cheerie before this week actually ended. i just.. don't want to make things look worse than how she pictured it all these times. because however hard and complicated it truly is, i still got everything under controlled. but you know moms, they invented the word 'worry'. not that i'm complaining, though.

i know my next sentence might sound like one tough justification, but here: sometimes being isolated gives us a bigger chance of being a social person. no matter how alienated we turned out to be.

hahah, it was random, obviously.

i painted it maroon, for me

2009-10-24T11:56:00.000+07:00

yes, i was jobless and apparently am crazy about sheeps.

oh come on, sheeps?? for crying out loud...

i need a fine wine and you need to be nicer

2009-10-23T21:48:00.002+07:00

well, it was. however i denied. it did feel like needles on the tip of my lips, it did sound much like silence. when i tried to reach for your fingers there, moving up and down as you breathed, nothing changed.

you said i wasn't trying as hard as you always did.. you did not exactly point out that i was the one to blame, but you kept making fun of how i, myself, put myself in it. or you. well, that doesn't matter much anymore now, does it?

i might not be on the top of anyone's lists of 'religious people', but i know guilt. and, not that i'm proud of it, i am feeling the shittiest guilt ever.

here. now. then. five minutes ago. an hour ago. when i took showers in the morning. when i sat behind the wheels. when i cursed for the unethical motorcycle drivers. when i did my assignments. when i bursted in laugh with my girlfriends. when i punched my friends for fun. when i ate my lunch. when i hated my figure on the mirror. when i ran in the middle of the rain.

everytime.

i felt it.

on... the lighter side.

the first week of midterm exam had ended. and seeing from the fact that the ugliest one had passed since the first day ended, it didn't exactly feel like midterm exam week for me. just the usual waking-up-early to catch up on today's due assignment, only more often.

not that it had really ended, though. i still clearly got one more paperwork of design concept for this semester's studio due on tuesday, 11 am.

i still have one piece of apple pie i bought at tizi while starving nearly to death in the middle of the road this noon. but it's been three days i haven't been able to eat properly for the sake of my monthly cramp (which turned out to be really really tormenting this time). i might just keep it for my tomorrow's breakfast. or brunch. or lunch. or 4pm meal. or dinner. that would be depended on how ugly the cramp turn out to be tomorrow.

and
i still got three more dvds to accompany me tonight.

delight, delight. :-)

LITE this

2009-10-21T00:52:00.001+07:00

My brother got his opportunity to locally publishing his technological work on Nu Substance 2009. it's called "LITE", works like this:

translating the moving light into synthetizer notes.

or something like that.

the exhibition is still going, so visit! it's at CCF bandung. :-)

so proud of my brother!

oh giiiiirrrrrrlssss, please

2009-10-21T00:47:00.001+07:00

giffa was a bad girl, she did not finish her waffles

fashion tv serves as my best back-up of itunes playlists

2009-10-20T23:53:00.001+07:00

i am actually trying to make posts of pictures of some outings i had recently but my internet connection works slower than grannies before 12am and that kinda brought my mood to just type something randomly. of course, those pictures i was about to upload didn't consist of any sneak-peek of my few-hours-ago bikini wax. and that bikini wax is one thing i'm currently so happy about. most probably my best decision i have ever come up with.

so, yesterday i had my financial analysis midterm exam. nothing so interesting about that, of course, except the fact that... umm, no. there's really nothing interesting about that.

i'm still in the beginning of my exam weeks, anyway. still obviously got at least 3 more paperworks to do, one going.

i guess i am a little bit too proud of my academic life recently. pardon. that must be annoying.

you lose *confettis

2009-10-10T10:51:00.001+07:00

a past is a past.
i never wished to get involved in anyone's past, unless if -- of course -- it intersects with one of my own past.

anyway,
the last week had been pretty time-consuming. all the studies and the assignments, you know how couple of weeks before the midterm always has been. nevertheless, i found myself an opportunity of leisure time with my dvd player (which i thought was broken all these times but turned out to be working just fine), bottled mineral waters, cigarettes, and me, sit/sleep-ing on the sofabed. oh it was heaven. :-D

and.. *scratching back of my head
i just realized how most of the time, i had the thought that it was necessary to get to know my bf's latest ex personally and, contradictorily, thought it was totally unnecessary to know the name of my latest ex's new gf.

just a thought, anyway.

a lemon, indeed

2009-10-04T22:55:00.001+07:00

okay, i can't let a scene of 30 rock out of my head. the one where liz lemon mentioned how she was so afraid of living on her own because she could just randomly get choked and die of it because no one would be around to rescue her. dead for choking.

that scene used to be cynically funny for me. not anymore. okay? NOT-ANYMORE.

together we'll take off

2009-10-03T23:36:00.000+07:00

if anything happens, we'll know what to believe. i just don't have enough courage and/or strength to hold on to it. but it doesn't mean that it doesn't exist.

it does.

in a way only you and i understand.

don't wake me up

2009-10-03T07:55:00.001+07:00

okay, so... my housemaid who had been loyal to the family for -- i'm not sure, around 5 years? -- managed to finally hit the escape button, or in short: ran away. it was the least thing i could ever expect, and yet it just happened.

anyway, i could do nothing but survive it. can't afford hiring a new one since it would be just as handful as me doing it by myself. well, believe it or not.

so yeah,
yesterday after having class from 7:30-11 a.m., i had to pay the water bills (turned out i had postponed paying it for two months :-P) and dropped last week's laundry. well, i managed to dropped and said 'hi!' and had a little chitchatty gossip with farin inbetween those, anyway. and then soon after i got home, the first thing there was to grab (by sanity) was: the broom.

well shortly, i did almost all the household works yesterday (well, except for cooking). and now i'm kinda thanking everyone for inventing household jobs, because by having to do it, i won't have to sign myself up to any sporting classes. good bye, pilates! :-D

oh anyway,
i am currently at jakarta now, for having a desperate need of someone to talk to at home. ha-ha. will be going back to bandung in approximately an hour from now, anyway. got a survey thing to do for marketing class.

err.. i still haven't been attracted to write posts in certain topics on this journal. that's why i still prefer to call it journal, anyway.

(and what the hell is happening to my internet connection why does it keep disconnecting me from the web by no reasons? grr. grr. grrr.)

oh, one more thing,
i had a very, very, very terrible nightmare last night. in my dream all i did was complaining and yelling all the shits out to DA (okay, in my dream he was the one to blame for everything, anyway). the dream was an absolute shock for me. most probably because i have never seen any visualization of me being crazily mad. it was monstrous. ...and yet it seemed so real. God, pls.

wrong thing, worst timing

2009-09-29T21:32:00.004+07:00

the least i want to know is the fact that history repeats. the least i know is probably the person who lives hiding behind the mask i had always seen.
what kind of a person i am, if i keep feeling okay to: staying outside, not taking any steps to know better, not realizing the fact that i have always been here -- alone, not knowing where exactly you stood, where you were heading to, what you were thinking of?
if there is no way for me to step closer, know better, understand what's within, then what's the point?
i know being emotional is my best potential, i know how my over-sensitivity often brought me to some points i would rather really not discuss anymore. but that, whatever that means to anyone, is an inseparable part of me which built me to be the person that i am.
right, i've got so much to do now.

errrrrrrrrrrr......

2009-09-27T21:39:00.002+07:00

okay, i am so fckn jobless, all i did for the last eleven hours was waiting for the confirmation hour to go back to bandung from DA. his situation was pretty fcked up, so i had to act as an understanding girlfriend, while actually i am so nervous of my tomorrow's 8am class because it alwas had quizzes first thing in the morning.

i. am. not. cool.
not about this, no.

i need everything there is to calm me down. like, now. like, a-ny-thing.

this would probably not be my last post of today... awrgh.

what you're looking for has been here the whole time

2009-09-27T11:01:00.000+07:00

i am in need of:

cardholder album
either: a hardcase / better laptop sleeve / courier type of laptop bag (wouldn't say "no" to having them all, of course)
better sanity in hitting malls and/or rows of shopping stores, because i keep buying things i don't really need

fuck. fuck. fuck.

see-sea-world

2009-09-27T00:59:00.001+07:00

well, i know it was never easy, but thanks for staying :-)

steady feet, don't fail me now

2009-09-26T08:08:00.001+07:00

well, i actually haven't been so sure about this. i mean, everything on my previous webjournal was not wrong, like, at all. but i couldn't push the thoughts of having a new place to write out of my head, probably because having been telling stories in the same place for almost 5 years... it was just rather too much. for whatever it means.

i still prefer relating whatever it is i am doing now with the noun diary than blog, anyway.
let's see what will happen next. :-)

as for the nowadays...
i'm still in jakarta and amazingly found myself getting attached more and more everyday to this city.

never. happened. before.

there is actually something with the overheated climate i cannot bear, living inside this two-times-larger bedroom for hours... well, okay, i gotta admit it was all about the 3.5g internet connection that works unbelievably well here. that's how shallow i am.

anyway, i purchased sherina's "gemini" yesterday while scooting away from the party of jhs besties reunion. and i truly fell for it. probably the best singing-seed indonesia could ever afford to have today. no, don't even dare to mention derby romero here, no matter how the two related in the past. that happened long before he got lost between the raging hormone.

there are still many things i gotta do with this new blog, so i gotta go now. and oh, it's my 11th monthversarry today, fyi. :-)